Wingflash Designs' Holiday Gift Guide

It's a little late, but I haven't done any of my shopping yet.  While I was probing the outer extremities of Etsy for last-minute gift ideas, I found myself face-to-face, time after time, with some of the most awful gift ideas--nay, the most awful THINGS--I've ever seen.  And what is blogging for, if not bitching about shitty stuff of the internets?  Hence, I present to you

Wingflash Designs' 2012 Holiday Gift Guide

-or-

Exactly What Not To Give the People You Love this Christmas

Believe it or not, I found everything in this list in the Etsy holiday section.  

Item #1:
Merino Wool Classic Cut Undies - $48

A diaper woven from shredded $5 bills might be more comfortable.

Item #2:
Wooden Whistle - $9.50

...Did someone say stocking stuffer?  Let's not delve too deeply here.

Item #3:

Wooden and Crochet Beads - $15

This item's creators claim these beads are for teething infants.  I did realize how far crafty kinksters had taken things.  Stay on the lookout for large, crocheted, "pacifier/mouth plugs."

Item #4:

Modernist Menorah - $169

Because nothing says 'abstract' like something you fucked up and don't care enough to fix.

Item #5:

Holiday Vinyl Wall Decal - $13.50

A misguided attempt at suspense?

Subtle hint at fraternity Christmas party?

Intro to holiday-themed gay porn novel?

My inner 8-year-old surfacing?

You decide.

Item #6:

German Glass Glitter Garland - $35

Shabby Chic: an excuse to make something really, really half-assed and take its picture in front of a weathered white door.

Item #7:

Shotgun Shell Lighted Wreath - $30

Get in the holiday spirit!  Let's fire off 50 rounds IN ORDER TO MAKE A WREATH.

Item #8:

Man Cave Hand Painted Sign - $12.95

Because he never grew up.

Item #9:

Christmas Grinch Sign - $40

You can purchase this little nugget of irony here!

Item #10:
One Direction Nail Decals - $6

Your niece is already embarrassing to be around as it is; let's not make things worse.

Item #11:

Goat Milk Sandwich Cookie Soap - $8.90

Are you that guy who gives out toothbrushes and fruit at Halloween?  Now there's a way to disappoint during the holidays, too!

Item #12:

Giant Paperclip Bookmarks - $8.35

For those who reward months of anticipation with whopping heaps of disappointment.

Thanks for reading, if you're still reading, and remember: there are plenty of great gift ideas for the ladies on your list in the Wingflash shop!  Happy holidays, everybody.